skinnychris

But all I can do, is all I can do
But I keep on tryin
And all I can be, is all I can be
And I keep on tryin
There’s always a mountain in front of me
Seems I’m always climbing, and stumbling, and falling, and climbing,
But I keep on tryin.

“I’m Tryin” Trace Adkins

I am still struggling.  It was a better day today and hopefully tomorrow will be even better.  But I know I cant stop trying if I want to win.  I have been doing alot of thinking and soul searching and mainly, I have been reminding myself I am only human and not perfect.  And I’ve got to stop making myself think this dieting thing has to be perfect 100% of the time.  I was suppose to be happy when I hit goal but instead all I have done is try to drive myself insane to get there.

So today I didnt spend every waking moment thinking about it.  Ok, I still stressed over it more than I should have but I decided its the holidays and I am gonna have mountains to climb.  And that I am gonna trip, there is no way to prevent it unless I have my jaw wired shut.  This next week alone is gonna be one big struggle up a steep mountain side.  But I have to keep trying.

I managed to stay completely on track today.  No exercise but I didnt eat over my points.  Not to say I didnt want to and thought seriously about it.  But I didnt give in.  My scales are way up and I am sure they still will be at weigh in tomorrow.  But I’m gonna be ok with it because I have to be.  I know why they are up so I cant stand in my meeting and scratch my head and cry because they are being so unfair.  I over ate and now I have to face it.  I can either stop this or I can continue like I am and watch the scales go up even more.

I am trying to get a plan together for this weekend.  There are just so many food opportunities that will be ahead of me over the next week.  Some like Thanksgiving where I know I am gonna eat what I want.  And then others like the bonfire Saturday night where I can eat before I go and then politely say no when offered any of that fire side food.

But the biggest thing I have figured out is that for now, I’ve got to take this one day and one meal at a time.  To keep it all in check and atleast maintain.  I do not want to continue gaining. 

And keep on tryin

First off, I have to ask what is with the stupid ads on this site?  Just now as I log in I see a before and after picture of some blond chick with a headline that says lose 43 pounds in 2 weeks.  Seriously?  This is the last place we need an ad like that.  That sorta stuff just really pisses me off because at one time I was probably desperate enough to believe it if only for a few minutes.  That stuff does NOT help.

Ok…I’ll step off my soapbox now.  LOL!!  I’m just not in the mood to see that sort of garbage tonight.  We all know it takes more than a magic pill to make weight loss happen.  And I am struggling right now and I dont need that on top of everything else.

I have pretty much come up with the notion I am experiencing some sort of depression right now.  I have a few ideas why, none physical, its just me and my over active brain.

I do know I always get the blues when the time changes.  I sit in my office …or what I affectionately call the ‘the cave’ everyday for 8+ hours.  I do not see sunlight for these 8+ hours because there are no windows on the floor I work on plus my office is way back in the middle of nowhere.  It is cold and dark due to the kind of work I do (information technology).  So by the time I get outside I have less than an hour of daylight left to enjoy.  No more afternoon walks and outdoor time. 

But besides that there is a good chance my family will not be coming home this Christmas.  So that has totally zapped my Christmas spirit.  I am a total Christmas fanatic but knowing this has really messed me up.  I took all that time off a week ago to clean and get ready and ended up pissing off the time because I found that out. 

I cant stop grazing in the kitchen and for some reason I feel like I deserve it.  I feel like I am missing out on all the holiday stuff because I am on a diet.  I tell myself I know I am gonna splurge so why not just go ahead and do it now and get it over with?  But then my smart self says STOP!  Why are you ruining all your hard work?  But it never stops.  I just end up eating and then feeling like hell and beating myself up.

No one would have ever told me I would get this close to goal and then screw it up.  I struggled so many times with the devil on my shoulder but I won.  Now he is walking all over me.  I dont want to exercise which upsets me and then I run to the fridge.  I then eat something which upsets me and so I eat some more!  Right now I am thinking I have many days ahead in the next week where there will be bad eating so why not go ahead and eat bad today too?  What the hell kind of thinking is that?

Alright…I am gonna sign off and go soak in the tub. Maybe I’ll just bawl all this out of me and try again tomorrow.  Oh wait, tomorrow is a pain filled day at the dentist to try and correct his mess up with my tooth.  Oh goodie!  How I cannot wait!

Well guys, I appreciate all the comments and support but the devil won.  I was doing sooooo good too!  But at the last minute we had family show up and blew up my entire night.  Tom’s 12 year old nephew killed his first buck last night, an 8 point and they needed to use our barn to clean it in.  And since it was his first alot of the family showed up to take pictures and such.  And since most everyone had been in the woods all day, hunger was almost a bigger topic than the deer.  So to be the hostess with the mostess (is that really a word?) I came in and fixed frozen (= fattening) pizzas along with the French onion dip.  And there was beer in the mix too.

So I went to bed last night with a sick belly and woke up with an even sicker one.  And I started off really good today and lasted all day long.  But tonight I broke into another bottle of eggnog and ate some cookies.  And what caused that was a case of the blues.  I found out my family may not get to come home for Christmas.  All my planning blown, just like that.  So I put in a Christmas episode of Home Improvement, drank a glass of nog and ate Almond Snowflake cookies. 

By the time I ate supper  I really didnt even want it. Which just upset me even more because I had filled up on junk.

So I wont make goal this week and I know I wont make it next week.  Starting Friday of this week starts an entire week of too much eating.  Friday night we have our annual Thanksgiving potluck with our group of friends.  Saturday night we have a bonfire cookout with all of Tom’s family.  Then Sunday is their actual Thanksgiving.  Then the following Wednesday will be our Thanksgiving breakfast potluck at work and the Thanksgiving is the next day. 

My stomach hurts just thinking about it.  I am mad that I cant…no let me say, wont get these last 2 pounds off.  I cant seem to grasp the concept of staying on track.  For some reason I am not taking these 2 pounds seriously.  They are only 2 pounds that wont change my pant size but they are preventing me from goal.  And I dont want to turn these 2 into 4 or even 6.  Where has my motivation gone too?  Is it just this time of year?  Do I have a case of burnout?  I wonder if I have pushed myself too hard this year and thats why I am struggling now?

I know come Jan 2nd I can get back on track, I’m just not so sure about staying on thru the holidays.  Especially if my family does get to come home for 10 days. 

Blogger “The new deal”  posted last night she needs her structured work week too to stay on track.  I am exactly the same way.  I wouldnt dare think about splurging during the week.  And exercise just comes naturally then.  But with the holidays coming up and all the additional things going on in my life right now, I just cant stay on track over the weekends.  I guess I need to think about trying to maintain.  I just dont know what else to do.  I’m going to bed an upset girl tonight.

And to top it all off, I’ve got to have more dental work done Tuesday.  I am not happy about this at all because my dentist has messed up 2 of my teeth and I cannot chew on them.  So I’ve got to go back under and have them worked on again.  While I am stressing over this and dreading it, maybe it will prevent me from eating for a few days and take off this damage I have once again created.

and he is reminding me its Saturday.  The day of over indulgence and bad choices.  Come on he says, its not gonna hurt ya.  Come on, you know you are hungry.  Hey, how about a cold one on a cold day.  Eggnog anyone? 

UGH!!!!  How I hate this day of the week!  I have been cleaning house and keeping my mind busy but the day is rapidly turning into night and my mind is now wandering away.  Tom is in the woods and I am bored and I want something.  The thing is, I’m not hungry. I know I’m not and I’m not really craving anything.  But is Saturday afternoon which will soon turn into Saturday night and time to party, right?

Ok…so party is a strong word.  But this is the night to sit around with friends and have a few drinks.  But we all know drinking tends to make ya hungry and this leads us to over eating.  I am trying to get ahold of myself right now and play tonight out in my head.  He mentioned cooking burgers and fries tonight.  Ok, I can do that.  I have my 93% lean burgers, I can cook one of those.  No reason to fry my fries, I can bake them in the toaster oven and even put a little 2% cheese on them if I like.  Food crisis averted.  But if I have one beer my control goes right out the window and I will dive bomb into the french onion dip! LOL!

So do I want to sit and nurse a Diet Coke all night when I really want to drink a beer?  I’m not a huge drinker but I do like a Miller 64 or 2 on the weekends.   So what to do?

Making goal Thursday all rides on tonight.  If I do good, I really think I can hit it.  If I dont, I will get really close but I wont make it until the next week.  And is there really any pressure to hit it this week when I know the holidays are coming up and I plan on splurging some?  I think I am once again thinking too much and over analyzing this whole thing.

Geez, I think I’ll go find something else to clean and stop thinking so damn much!

So I lost all that I had gained over the last 2 weeks plus 6 tenths of a pound more!  I am now 2.4 pounds away from goal.  I can do this this next week if I try.  But do I want too?

I had decided to give myself until Thanksgiving.  But I want goal so bad I can taste it.  Ok, maybe not the right thing to say but you get the idea.  All I have to do is make it thru this weekend without totally messing up.

Tuesday I am due back at the dentist office to correct some problems he didnt quite solve the first go around 6 weeks ago.  Which will mean I am probably gonna be back on the soup diet for a few days.  Thats ok by me! Right now I will take any help I can get.

So tonight we did go out to eat.  I always splurge once a week so I said tonight needed to be the night so that I could concentrate for the rest of the week on making goal.

Regardless, I have just shy of 75 pounds off of my boday tonight and they will be gone for good.  I had two men at work pay compliments to me today on my weight loss.  They were not flirting, both are good friends but aren’t the kind to say anything. But they both did, one with a red face!!  Its those kind words that remind me of what I have done.  People see it and it makes me feel good.  Funny, I see still myself as large.  Wonder when the brain catches up with the body. 

Ok..enough rambling, I think I am getting tired.  Here we go, on our ‘weigh’ to goal!!  Can she or cant she?

Btw, the eggnog is gone and wont be replaced!  ;-P

So I am trying to bounce back again.  Hell or high water I am gonna make this goal.  I guess I better put on my hip waders.

Sunday was not a complete bust but I did eat some homemade gravy.  I have not had homemade gravy one time this year!  The only reason I made it was because I was out of the packaged white gravy mix you can buy thats only 1 point per serving.  Oh, and the swing of eggnog I took.  But it was only a swig! LOL!

So yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom.  I am sure that helped some because I weighed today and I am still at 173.4, which is what I weighed last Thursday at my meeting. 

And to be honest that did inspire me some.  I came in today and spent 25 minutes on the elliptical and 30 on the bike tonight.  I know the chances of me seeing much of a loss Thursday are slim to none but maybe I wont see a gain.  I am 4.4 pounds away from goal and you would think I was 104.4 pounds away as hard as I am making this.  I can still do this by Thanksgiving if I keep my head in the game and out of the fridge!

I am also gonna look into the whole basal metabolic rate theory that a fellow buddy blogged about last night.  It was too late to do much researching online but what I did read make a hellavu lot of sense to me.  Even by being good and staying on program may not be enough. 

So here we go, less than 48 hours again to weigh in.  Too bad stressing doesnt burn off calories.

Weekends are always hard for me.   I keep a very structured work week and have no problems staying on track then, but weekends totally mess me up.  And to make matters worse, I took PTO Friday and tomorrow so its a really long weekend for me.  Even though I am busy doing my Christmas cleaning, the supply of food is just *right there*!!

I normally allow myself a cheat meal once during the week.  And last night was it.  We went to eat at the local pizza place but I had hot wings instead of pizza.  Bad choice, they were nasty and I couldnt eat them.  So in a way that is good because I didnt eat the grease but I did eat some cheese dip (I just never could get away from it yesterday!).  And I did drink quite a few Miller 64’s.  Again, not bad though because I didnt eat much supper.  But our buddy who we were hanging out with bought me a bottle (without my knowledge) of my favorite eggnog when he ran to the liquor store and I drank some of it.  I havent bought it because I know I cant say no when it comes to the stuff.  I am a complete eggnog fanatic!  And like a bigger dummy, I brought the stuff home instead of leaving it in the fridge in his shop!  What was I thinking?  To have that stuff in the house is torture!

I’m not in the mood to eat well today and so that means I havent.  I went to Wal-Mart earlier today with my mom and offered to buy us McDonalds.  I got a Happy Meal which is ok considering what I could have gotten (and point wise).  But like with most fast food it didnt stick with me and before long I found myself in the Fritos and French onion dip!  Geez, why do I do this to myself.  I didnt make a big dent in the container but I could have. 

Now its time for supper and I do plan on sticking to the program but that bottle of eggnog is calling me.  I know I’m not over points yet, I will be though even with a sensible dinner so my mind is saying ‘go ahead, drink the nog!  It only comes out once a year’.  But then my mind is reminding me ”do you want to see a possible gain Thursday”?  So here goes the internal mind fighting again.  I know this is stupid, sabotaging thinking but I get mad thinking about the holidays coming up and I cant even enjoy the goodies.  Its not like I want to get off the program, its just that I want to maintain where I am so that I can enjoy things and then take the last of this weight off after the first of the year.  Diet almost every meal but splurge a little more than normal.  I wish we could pick our own goals for WW’s instead of having to go by their rules.  I am happy with where I am but I’ve got to hit 169 before I can get into maintainence and becomes a lifer.  Which also means free meetings. 

I dont know what to do.  I thought coming here and venting might help and while it does help to get it all out in black and white it also makes me realize I have decisions to make.

I’m not turning my back on my lifestyle change or Weight Watchers.  By no means!  Lordy no, heck no, HELL NO!  I wont ever gain that weight back again.  But I’ve got to stop this struggling.  I am really letting it bother me and spending way too much time dwelling on it.

Sorry to go on and on…but its keeping me away from the eggnog!

Why is today having to be such a battle?  I woke up fine, in a good mood and ready to go hit some yard sales.  Maybe it was the overpriced Christmas stuff I found that put me in such a foul mood.  But by the time I got back home my mood had really soured.

Just now I had to run to the grocery store.  And all I could think about was cheese dip.  I had this internal fight with myself, thank God it was only in my mind!  I picked it up, I put it down.  I picked it up.  Then  I told myself if you buy this you are gonna eat it.  And if you eat it yeah, its gonna taste good and you are gonna be happy.  But are ya gonna be happy with another gain this week come Thursday?  So I put it down.  Walked a few aisles over and what did I see?  More cheese dip.  I picked it up, I put it down.  I ended up doing this around 3 times with all different brands.  I even went and looked at the Velveeta, have you seen the price of Velveeta lately?  That alone turned me right off! LOL!

So even though I had to look at the Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes and think long and hard about them too I managed to leave the store with nothing more than a Diet Coke and two cans of  Wolf Brand lean canned chili for tonights chili dogs. 

Now if I could just get motivated to finish up my Christmas cleaning.  Here I took two extra days off work so that I could have a long weekend to deep clean.  So far I’ve only completed the master bath and bedroom.  I think right now I am just hungry and dragging but the microwave just went off.  Time to go enjoy my 5 point chicken and dressing Lean Cuisine! 

I am feeling somewhat better today!  I woke up without the queasiness but after lunch I did get a little sick.  So I decided to skip my walk this afternoon due to that.  And I am still having some *ahem* leftover effects of the bug and I didnt want to get too far from plumbing!  LOL!!

So I guess in a way being sick saved me this week from a huge gain.  I was only up 4 tenths of a pound today.  So while it was a gain I can take that off easily.  Just no playing around this weekend and eating everything in sight like last weekend!

If I play my cards right (and stay away from eating out) I can be at goal in 2 weeks.  I know I said that 2 weeks ago and then turned right around that night and went out and ate pizza and beer. But that wont happen this week.  I have my head on straight and I’m not gonna let anything stop me this time.  In the grand scheme of things 4.4 pounds are not gonna change my life that much, I wont really look any smaller, I doubt I lose another pant size and its within my 5 pound leeway that I am giving myself once I do meet goal.  But I would rather go ahead and see that 169 on my scales!  Heck, I want to see 165 on my scales.

So I am off to making goal November 20th!! 

So far I have avoided the pink eye, the common cold, strep throat and even been exposed to a real case of the flu and lived to tell the tale.  But I didnt escape the belly bug!

Oh whoa is me, how sick can one gal be?

Tom had this Friday night into Saturday so I really thought I had avoided it.  But it hit me last night at 7:30 while I was (of all things) riding my exercise bike.  I kept thinking I was just getting hot and queasy from working out.  Nope, that wasnt it.  25 minutes into my ride I was done and heaving in the toliet.  Not a nice way to spend the night.  I ended up piling up in bed and while I didnt yak anymore I took turns either sweating or freezing. 

I am feeling better tonight but today was horrible.  And I actually went to work like a dumbass.  I cant believe I made it thru the day.  I guess it was a 24 hour bug because its almost 7 now and I am starting to feel a little better, but very tired and beat up and my tummy still hurts.

Needless to say I didnt get in any exericse and my eating has been at a minimum.  I’ve only eaten 12 of my 23 points today and I dont plan on eating anything else tonight and make myself sick.  This is not how I wanted to make up for my pigfest weekend but I am sure it will make tomorrow’s weigh-in alot better.  As of this morning on my scales I was up 2 pounds.  I can handle that…and this whole week has been a lesson learned on why not to splurge 3 days in a row.