skinnychris

First off, I have to ask what is with the stupid ads on this site?  Just now as I log in I see a before and after picture of some blond chick with a headline that says lose 43 pounds in 2 weeks.  Seriously?  This is the last place we need an ad like that.  That sorta stuff just really pisses me off because at one time I was probably desperate enough to believe it if only for a few minutes.  That stuff does NOT help.

Ok…I’ll step off my soapbox now.  LOL!!  I’m just not in the mood to see that sort of garbage tonight.  We all know it takes more than a magic pill to make weight loss happen.  And I am struggling right now and I dont need that on top of everything else.

I have pretty much come up with the notion I am experiencing some sort of depression right now.  I have a few ideas why, none physical, its just me and my over active brain.

I do know I always get the blues when the time changes.  I sit in my office …or what I affectionately call the ‘the cave’ everyday for 8+ hours.  I do not see sunlight for these 8+ hours because there are no windows on the floor I work on plus my office is way back in the middle of nowhere.  It is cold and dark due to the kind of work I do (information technology).  So by the time I get outside I have less than an hour of daylight left to enjoy.  No more afternoon walks and outdoor time. 

But besides that there is a good chance my family will not be coming home this Christmas.  So that has totally zapped my Christmas spirit.  I am a total Christmas fanatic but knowing this has really messed me up.  I took all that time off a week ago to clean and get ready and ended up pissing off the time because I found that out. 

I cant stop grazing in the kitchen and for some reason I feel like I deserve it.  I feel like I am missing out on all the holiday stuff because I am on a diet.  I tell myself I know I am gonna splurge so why not just go ahead and do it now and get it over with?  But then my smart self says STOP!  Why are you ruining all your hard work?  But it never stops.  I just end up eating and then feeling like hell and beating myself up.

No one would have ever told me I would get this close to goal and then screw it up.  I struggled so many times with the devil on my shoulder but I won.  Now he is walking all over me.  I dont want to exercise which upsets me and then I run to the fridge.  I then eat something which upsets me and so I eat some more!  Right now I am thinking I have many days ahead in the next week where there will be bad eating so why not go ahead and eat bad today too?  What the hell kind of thinking is that?

Alright…I am gonna sign off and go soak in the tub. Maybe I’ll just bawl all this out of me and try again tomorrow.  Oh wait, tomorrow is a pain filled day at the dentist to try and correct his mess up with my tooth.  Oh goodie!  How I cannot wait!