skinnychris

So it is only day 2 of being 100% back on track but considering the past two weeks,  its a huge accomplishment for me!

I came in this afternoon and had 7 slices of apple and a cup of fat free caramel pudding.  Did the trick, I am not hungry anymore.  Plus I did 15 minutes on my ellipitcal.  To be honest I cant believe I lasted that long.  Granted, before Christmas I was doing 30-45 minutes on level 5 plus a 3 mile walk but that was before Christmas.  So I am pretty proud of what I did manage to do.  To finish up the night I plan on getting on my bike for 30 minutes.  I’m having to take it a little easy on my right ankle, I guess an old injury is trying to flare up and its been bothering me since Friday.  But I wont let it stop me unless it swells to the size of my head! LOL!

I am feeling very empowered right now and I like this feeling alot better than eating.  I need to remind myself of this high I get when I am 100% when I start feeling low or stressed.

Speaking of, I am trying to find tips on how to better handle stress.  A friend of mine said Oprah has a large section on her website talking strickly about it but I havent had a chance to check it out yet.  I wont let it sabotage me anymore, I cannot allow it.

But in all I am feeling pretty good right now.  I know I am stronger than I have been allowing myself to be so its time for that side to surface again.  Stand back goal, here I come!

I am dragging this afternoon and it feels great!  Ya know how yesterday we planned on working in the yard all day?  Well, due to high winds it didnt happen.  So we decided to do our Sunday errands on Saturday and waited until today to work in the yard.  And buddies, did I work!  We had alot of wind and ice damage on the backside of our property.  So as Tom cut and trimmed I hauled and stacked.  Lots of tree tops and wood.  I also cleaned up debris and made around 25 trips back and forth to the burn pile.  I pulled, tugged, stomped, bent, stooped and used just about every muscle group I could.  And man am I gonna be sore tomorrow LOL!!!

But thats good because I need to be!  I love exercise like that because its not really exercise to me.  I love working outside and working in the yard.  Its a total stress reliever for me to be one with nature.  What can I say, I am a total backwoods Barbie!

My food has been in check all day long, the first time in a very long (too long) time.  In fact we are grilling chicken tonight and I plan on fixing myself some broccoli along side it.  I got a good recipe out of my WW’s magazine where you sprinkle it with cajun seasoning and black pepper and then spray it lightly with Pam.  I think its gonna be wonderful!

I am already looking ahead to this week.  I am gonna make sure when I get home from work to stay active each day.  Of course I’ll have to check in here but I’ve got to get in some sort of physical activity every afternoon, no excuses.  It will also prevent me coming in and raiding the fridge.  My meetings start back Thursday and I am excited to see all my old friends there and maybe make some new ones.  The leader has asked if I will help her so maybe having to be more active in the group will help me to stay focused, I mean what does that say for me or WW’s if I am gaining instead of losing but yet representing them?  No, I need to keep my eye on the ball and lose the last bit of this weight, once and for all.

So thats it for today buddies, hope each one of you has had a great weekend and looking forward to a successful week!

I have a question for all my buddies out there.  Would you PLEASE share some of your favorite work out songs with me?  I am a country music girl by heart but that doesnt really get my heart pumping like it should!  Since I dont listen to alot of modern pop/rock I am a little behind on what is out there.  I do like Stronger by Kayne West/Daft Punk (see, I’m not a complete nerd!) so I was thinking of more songs like that–or any to be honest,  just as long as they dont scream at me!

Would you share with me what you best jam out too?  I want to restock my Mp3 player this weekend so that I can get up and MOVE next week.  Thanks buddies!!

No, not the lottery but the fight at work!  I honestly cannot believe it!  They board took my side!!  I dont have any details as to what happened or how suddenly chickie babe got access from home to work, but yesterday I received an email from her asking that I let her know when I finished my part this morning so that she could start hers!  WHOOPPIIEE!!!!!!!!!  I forwarded her email to my boss and just said a simple Thank You.  He read it but didnt reply.  Thats fine, I dont ever have to know, I am happy enough knowing for once I WON!  I guess right will prevail afterall.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone!  We dont really celebrate it here, I’ve never really understood the day anyway.   I dont want you to show me you love me just today, I want you to show me you love me everyday!!  So instead we are gonna work outside today, cleaning up the mess the storms caused Wed. night.

Which leads me into my plan for today.  After breakfast I plan on staying active all day.  No sitting around or mindless snacking.  We have acres of land here and there is plenty to keep me moving and my mind busy.  Things are going pretty good for me right now so I need to remove this leftover stress out of my body and get a jump start on this next week, diet wise.  I was laying in the bed this morning thinking of how happy I was when I was 1 pound from goal.  How I loved the way my body looked, the way my face looked and the way others took notice of those changed also.  I need that again.  I dont need fattening food because the old saying rings very true to me now…’nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’.

Have a great day buddies!!!

Ever had one of those days when it just wouldnt stop?

Ok, first…I went out and ate.  Poorly.  But I’ll get back to that.

After Tom got home, read the email and tried to console me he said lets go to our local pizza/watering hole.  Of course I said ok.

A little history about this place.  I live in a town with about uhm, 2 other people.  Ok, so its not that small but you get the idea.  We all know each other and we are regulars at this place, even when I dont splurge.  I know the owner like he is a father and he is my parents neighbor to boot.  So we walk in, say our hi’s and take our table.  Our normal girl doesnt wait on us, who is also a friend of ours so we ask about her.  The woman that does wait on us knows Tom, not me so much but knows me thru him.  So as I go to tell her what we want and if another friend of ours is cooking tonight she totally ignores me and start talking to Tom again.  So he asks again where our normal waitress is and this woman starts in on how she is the manager now but she is having to wear all the hats and so forth…blah, blah, blah.  So as Tom goes to say something back to her she takes the menus and does a sweeping motion in front of his face like she is gonna hit him!

Ok, first off…you ignored me when I was trying to tell you how I wanted our pizza.  BIG mistake.  Second, I dont give a shit if you are playing or not you dont do that with the menu’s.  Especially since you are not even close to being a close friend.  More like someone Tom runs from in the grocery store.  So when she walked off I was just a bitching.  Another actual good friend who is also the bartender walked up and asked if she got short with me and I said yes.  Then later when our normal waitress showed up I complained to her too.  So she asked me to say something to the owner since they had all complained and it had fallen on deaf ears.

Move ahead a bit, when we left Jim (the owner) went to hug my neck and asked if everything was ok.  I said yes but that you need to bring your new manager back down to size.  He looked at me and said “manager, who is that?”  Our friend the bartender called the other woman by name (I dont even know  it) and he wanted to know if he called her up would I tell this to her face.  I said gladly.

So to make this painfully long story short, she tried to deny everything.  She kept saying her and Tom were old friends and that they played that way.  Uhm, no…you dont.  You are an older lady and he doesnt act that way to elders.  He and I have been together for over 4 years and I’ve never seen anything like that between them two.  She denied saying she was manager, again no…you said it over and over like it was a curse and you were so put out.  And then when I asked her if she heard how I wanted our pizza made she finally shook her head and said no.  I said exactly, because you tuned me out like I was not even there. 

I told Jim thanks again and he mouthed no thank you and I went to tell everyone else bye.  He gave me the thumbs out on my way out the door.

I really dont like doing that, but as I told Jim I am paying her income.  Thats just not the way a person acts in the service industry.  Hell, I couldnt act like that on any given day in my job!  Was I wrong?  I would hate to think it was but that mess really pisses me off.  There are too many people out there that would give their right arm to have her job and yet she acted that way.  Good Lord, can this day just end already?!?!?!

Buddies, I am so upset I am having to fight myself to not cry.  My job has bent me over again and there isnt a darn thing I can do about it.  I did what I should have, I stood up for myself (which I never do there because of this exact reason) and now its gonna come back and bite me in the butt and make me look horrible.

I am having the same issue with the same person as I did last month not wanting to do her part of a Saturday process we are required to do.  So my upper boss apparently is going to make it a part of my job requirement, which is fine but he wrote an email that has crushed me.  It has humiliated me and made me looking like a friggin whiny ass to alot of upper managment.  Of course in his eyes he looks like he is solving a problem but it hasnt.  It has created a larger one…where I have no faith in this person (not that I had any to start with, hell I dont even know him!) and makes my position with them nothing else but what it is, a job.

I knew last month this is how it would all end if I stuck to my guns.  It NEVER fails that somehow it gets turned around on me.  Thats why I hate that place so bad.  It doesnt pay to stand up for whats right.  I’ve never allowed myself to be a part of the good ol boys club there so this is what happens.

I dont want to have to reply to his email…which includes around 10 other folks.  I want to pack my shit and quit.  But of course I cant. 

I am so trying not to get on my pity pot but I cant help it.  If once I could catch a break with them, feel like I am actually appreciated and not just taken advantage of.  To have a boss who actually cares what I have to say (which by the way, has not personally talked to me about this) I might feel different about the whole thing.

But for the 5 years I have been there this is all I have ever gotten.  And its all I will ever get.  I dont complain, I dont bitch, I do my job, take off very little and dont need someone looking over me.  So I am forgotten about.  No bonuses, no atta boys, but lets call you out for defending yourself.

I think about it all and I physically get sicker than I was over the storms last night.  I had planned on coming in, changing clothes and taking a walk and enjoying this afternoon.  But then I logged in and found that.  Now I am just sick.

If I really thought crying would help I would but it will just gunk up my contacts and I dont have another pair to replace these with. 

And whats worse about all this?  I am gonna lose a friend over it all.  Because its obvious I can no longer trust or confide in her.  Her job is more important that me. 

Hey buddies! I cant report an amazingly good day but it wasnt a total bust either. I did really good until I got home this afternoon. But now my greatest fear is looming.

I am a complete storm-a-phobe. I dont mean a little scared, I mean crazy insane scared. I have lived in the south my entire life but the storms are so much worse now days. I went thru 2 major tornadoes in my teens and just last May a community 5 minutes north of me was hit and a person was killed. In fact last year Arkie went thru one of our worst tornado seasons, ever. This has only driven my fear to wilder extremes.

So I am sitting here drinking a beer trying to calm my nerves. Not exactly a diet thing to do but I am terrified. Tom is gonna be late tonight, will be home before the storms hit but still…he is my rock when I get this scared. Thank God he understands and accepts me and my fears when it storms.

My parents have a storm shelter and I am only 2 minutes away from them. But when those tornado warnings start going off they might as well be 2 days away. I know this sounds so stupid coming from a 38 year old supposedly ‘grown’ woman but I cant help it. I have already pulled out my cat Roscoe’s pet carrier and I’m keeping him inside in case we have to go quickly.

So I cant promise tonight will be a good one. I am armed with my NOAA weather radio and will be up all night until the storms pass. The only think I can hope for is that my nerves get so bad I get sick. I have been known to start yakking if it gets too bad and I get too worked up.

Everyone out there in the Arkie/Okie/Texas area, be careful. God be with us all.

Woke up this morning with just the slightest sore throat but feeling alot better!!! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I didnt get up and start my day off by beating myself up for my many failures over the past few days, instead I told myself its a new day and a new start and I will make the most of this day. I have eaten well, not gotten too bad hungry and exercised!!!

Yes dear buddies, you read that right…I EXERCISED!! It wasnt much as I’m not gonna over do it just yet but I did my 2 mile/30 minute WATP dvd.

I made up my mind that to do this I must exercise some every day. Since its been too long since I’ve done my routine I know I will have to build up slowly again so for now I will be sticking with those dvd’s. I love to walk anyway and while walking inside is not my favorite I know I’m not ready to get back on the elliptical yet.

All I can do right now is take this one day at a time. I know I will be fine this week but I need to start planning for this weekend. Nothing is going on but that is when I have really been failing…on Saturdays.

I probably wont attend a meeting this week, my group starts up again next Thursday (the 19th) and I figure I will wait until then to worry about weighing in. To take some pressure off myself and give me extra time to get my weight back down. Plus I wont be getting on the scales here at home because I am really afraid of seeing a gain, upsetting myself and causing a binge. Right now I must stay positive and keep feeding myself positive thoughts. No negative allowed!!!

Hope everyone had a great Monday, glad it only comes once a week!

So last night while in the middle of my latest beating myself up session I had a breakthru. Why am I beating up on a sick person? I am telling a sick person how they are not strong, how they have no willpower, how they are useless and wont ever be able to lose the weight.

And it hit me. I wouldnt do this to Tom is he was sick, I wouldnt do it to my best friend, my mom, my sister. So why was I doing it to myself? I am sick for goodness sake and I am ripping myself to shreds because I dont want to diet and exercise. All because I am sick and dont feel good.

So I came to realize thru all this, sick or not this is what I do to myself every day. I dont ever praise myself for doing something good, I never look on the bright side. I mentioned yesterday in my blog how I had been good and on track all week long until Thursday when I came home sick and feeling horrible. But did I remember that effort I put forth all those other days? Nope, I only remember my breakdown and binge.

How can I expect to be successful when mentally I am not allowing myself to be? I am holding my own self back, not anyone or anything else is to blame. I am beating myself up over every step I take in life, not just my diet. And its got to stop. I have got to stop this vicious cycle of self abuse.

So thats it folks. I am not gonna stress about losing weight until I get over this cold. No, I am not giving myself license to eat like a pig but I’m not gonna go to bed tonight upset because I did eat something I shouldnt have. I have got to start supporting ME! I cant expect you or anyone else in my life to do it for me because I cant accept what others have to offer until I can accept my own self love and respect.

I am feeling alot better facing this. This alone could be an end to a cycle that I have been struggling with for so long. I’ve got to learn to be my own biggest fan. Wish me luck!

but I have to laugh. Last week it was my blistered upper lip, now its my nose from blowing and wiping it so much. My top lip has split in two places from getting dried out overnight from having to breathe thru my mouth so I look like a peeling, red nosed Angelina Jolie. And now this mess has dropped into my chest and I am coughing up alien creatures.

Welcome to my Saturday morning!!

There was a big 4-wheeler ride today that I wanted to go on so badly! But I sent Tom on his way without me. Its almost 70 out but its bad windy and I just cant risk being out there and getting sicker. I need to improve not get worse.

On the diet front, well I did get my sense of taste and smell bad. I guess thats a good thing but I got up this morning and fixed myself a huge breakfast. Hashbrowns with cheese, turkey bacon, eggbeaters and biscuits. Nope, not good for me at all but I wanted it and I ate it. I am sick of fighting the hunger so I ate. Maybe it will make me better and then I can concentrate on losing weight again.

I am still very upset with everything, I just wish I could find myself again. As of this morning I am 14 pounds away from goal. I wonder if I will ever get there. I need to quit looking at the glass half empty. And I need to quit beating myself up for wanting to eat while I feel so terrible. I was good all week long until Thursday so it has to be the cold doing this to me.

Alrighty, I’m gonna head back over to my easy chair and watch some mindless movie on Lifetime. Now where did I put my box of Puff’s?