A sad Sunday afternoon
You can go ahead and stop right here if you like. I’m not in a bad mood or depressed but I’ve had a sad afternoon following a sad weekend. There has been death all around me this weekend and it just seemed to all come to a head this afternoon after a brief visit with my grandmother.
First, my step father’s niece passed away. I didnt know her well but it upset me to see him upset. Then my grandmothers neighbor passed. I did know him but it had been years since I had seen him. My family sort of had a love/hate relationship with him but still, they were neighbors. The same night my best friend’s uncle died. She is in Alaska and cant get home and my heart breaks for her and her family. Then one of my childhood friends passed away, only 40 years old with 5 children. I havent seen her in 20+ years but being so young it touched me. Also on Friday night at 9:30 we got a phone call that my mom’s first cousin/very close friend died after a long battle with Parkinson’s. I had to call and tell my mom because the cousin who called me didnt have my mom’s number.
5 people that I know, that I one time talked to, hugged, played with, cried with and loved are no longer walking this earth. No longer able to laugh, hug or play. I know its the cycle of life and that no one lives forever but so much death, so close together. I told Tom today as we went to my grandmothers that I needed to go by the funeral home and sign the guest book. But then I realized I had 5 to sign.
We went to my grandmothers so that Tom could weed eat and visit for a bit. My grandmother had just gotten in from church so I told her not to cook as we couldnt stay long so she pulled out leftovers and cold cuts. We ate a bite and I got up to wash the dishes while she and Tom visited. And I swear I could hear my grandfather talking to me. He would always great me with his loud, southern “Hey Bab-beeeee” and I heard it like he was standing next to me. No I dont believe in ghosts and I dont think he was there, just for some reason today…for the first time since he passed it really affected me being in the house. I didnt let on anything was wrong but my heart was completely breaking in two. As we sat at the dining room table I was over looking the field, the one he used to farm in. Tom was eating purple hull peas and the smell made me think back of the summers he planted peas and of us all out there pulling them. It was overwhelming.
Why now, almost 4 months after he left us is all of this now hitting me? We left and I cried all the way home. Not just a cry but a heart breaking sob. Tom couldnt do anything but just sit there and let me. And even now as I try to blog it all out I am crying. He was 95 and lived a good long life but I only knew him for 38 of those and it just wasnt enough I guess.
Like the song says, ”you cant tell me it all ends in a slow ride in a hearse”. How can someone just leave like that and only become a memory? And when does that memory start to fade? When will I lose hearing him hollar hey baby to me? Its been 21 years since my other grandfather passed away and I was trying to hear his voice today and couldnt. Will I lose Popie’s too?
I am trying to pull myself together before Tom gets back home. I dont want him to see me so upset again. I just dont get it, its like he just passed away all over again.
Let me go start supper…think about something else…
XML Feed
So sorry about the bad news. We are here if you need to talk.
So much loss. Sad. Even as we know that this is our fate, it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially for those who didn’t seem to get to finish their turn such is the case with your childhood friend. The first Thanksgiving after my Grandmother passed, I had to get up and leave the table and go upstairs to my old bedroom at my parent’s house and get a good cry out. Sometimes it is like they are there, or their presence or maybe it is the startling reality that they are not present. Deep breathes girl. Sorry to hear of all this loss.
yes, I agree with beckyboo, sometimes you have to let it all out. The grieving. I too, wondered about my 34 years with my dad who was 85 when he died in Feb 09. It was short for me, but he lived a long life and did exactly what he wanted. I also had a short time with grandpa’s too. My grandmother passed when I was four the other had alzheimer’s when I was little too. it does make you think about what you can and will remember. I think that is why I stayed around here where my parents live. Many of my high school friends moved away for diff reasons. I think subconciously I knew i have older parents and our time would be limited by age. my mom is 71. My kids benefit greatly from being able to see their grandparents alot. I appreciated every minute I had with my deceased family members and made me embrace life even more. I want my kids to have wonderful memories when they are older.
At times, i can smile and laugh when I think of those memories. Other times I can picture my Dad walking into my house just like it happened today. When I am alone I sometimes just cry, to get thru the pain of not having him but he was sick with parkinson’s and shingles so he was in too much pain and was losing the ability to walk, which was like living in a prison. so I have to tell myself he is better off in heaven with no more pain and restrictions. he wouldn’t want to see me cry so I tell myself that too.
YOU POOR THING MY HREAT BREAKS FOR YA .. LOSS IS A VERY HARD THINGS HOPE YOU ARE BETTER SOON