skinnychris

I want to thank all of my wonderful buddies for your comments yesterday!  Karin, thank you for the much needed kick in the pants!  I sure did need that even if my rump is sore today! LOL!!  But you really did make me think and thats what I needed.  Kylie, if I had to get rid of the beer I think I would just die!  But Becky is right, I dont have to give it up…I just need to start eating before I drink a few (it makes me so hungry) and I need to stop with a few.  But when sitting around a bonfire with friends its easy to lose count! Hotmama, I’m climbing back up on the wagon!

So anyway, I got up this morning and finished up the bathroom that I started cleaning on yesterday.  We have a grossly oversized master bathroom and to clean those floors take forever.  To explain, twice a year I take Dow’s scrubbing bubbles to my floors and let them sit for around 10-15 minutes.  It sucks up all the grim and yuck a mop cant get and then I crawl around with a bath towel wiping it up.  Breaks the back and knees but its so worth it.

Now I’m taking a short break to eat some breakfast (gotta fuel the old body) before I tackle the bedroom.  We did clean our closets out last weekend so I dont have to mess with that but I do need to clean out my dresser and take out some of the stuff I cant/dont wear anymore.  I already have huge Freecycle piles so I need to get those listed and out of here before I start putting stuff back!

But my main goal today is to STAY AWAY from the junk.  I have no reason to get in the fridge and eat shit.  There is no more beer in the house so no matter how hot I get today I’ll have to stick with ice tea!  Surely moving all day long will help with my weekend binge, I normally sit at a computer for most of the day.  Today and tomorrow I will be working like a mad man around here.  Burn those calories baby!

Anyway, breakfast break is over!  Gotta go tackle the bedroom.  Have a great Monday buddies! 

And not in a good way either. 

I have been completely off my diet for the past 3 days.  I seem to do good at breakfast and then its downhill from there.  Friday I went with my grandmother to some yard sales and we ended up going out for Chinese.  I was ok with that, I needed that time and comfort with her.  But it seemed to set up the rest of the weekend.  I drank bottle and bottle of beer, ate chili cheese Fritos, a slice of overly cheesy pizza and a huge bacon spud from McAllisters.  Oh, and more beer.  And thats just the worst of it.

I know they arent accurate but the scales are 7 pounds higher.  So I figure after I drop the water weight from the salt and beer that I have gained about 3 pounds.  I saw that this morning and decided to start fresh today.  Well that lasted about 4 hours.  I found a cold beer in the fridge and the peanuts Tom bought yesterday at Tractor Supply.

I bought some really cute clothes Saturday at a consignment shop plus some demin shorts at a yard sale.  Now I bet they are beyond tight.

I dont get it.  Ever since the holidays I just cant seem to find my groove.  Its like one step forward and two back.  I am good for a week or two and then I go back to my old habits.  But even worse.  The way I eat you would think I am starving, deprived.

All I can do is hope for a better day tomorrow.  I wish there was something I could do to find my motivation again, the kind I had this time last year when I was still 50 pounds away from goal.  But its just not there.   Without the mental want-to I cannot force myself to do it.  So how do I get back on track?

Its 6 weeks until Memorial Day.  I am gonna try tomorrow to start keeping myself on track. I am gonna take it one day at a time but I’ve got to do something to make myself accountable.  I wont allow myself to gain anymore than I already have.  I know that is winning half the battle by not gaining but I still need to lose.  I’m not wallowing though in self pity.  In fact I dont seem to be that upset about all the eating and weight gain.  That though kinda bothers me. 

Spring cleaning continues tomorrow.  And we have a week of wonderful weather expected so I can get out and walk and ride my bike.  Plus I have an appointment at Curves this week to check them out again ( I used to be a member 10 years ago and went religiously).  I may try them again for 30 days.

Something has to give.  I just cant seem to figure out what.

I have worked my last day for the next 5 days!  I dont go back in until Wednesday!  WOOOOT!!

I do have to do my monthly recon after midnight tomorrow night and technically I am always on call as long as I have cell phone/internet service but in the official capacity I am OFF WORK!!!

Weigh in wasnt that bad today at all.  I only gained .7 tenths of a pound.  I know that is a strange number but we had to use the regular spring scales today, like the ones you use at the doc’s office.  Our digital ones finally died.  So after all the eating and binging I did it didnt damage me much.  This week I’m gonna do better.  I KNOW I am!

It has been an awesome day.  I woke up feeling alot better after I decided no more ruminating.  Just not gonna allow it, no matter what.  My mom said to wear a rubber band on my wrist and when I find myself stressing to pop it as hard as possible.  Sounds like it would hurt like hell but thats the point, it makes you think about something else.  Namely pain!

Anyway, I fit into a little pair of peddle pusher type pants today, loud and tacky like golf britches (really cute that I have never been able to wear) with a bright orange tee and it really brightened my entire day!

I have to tell you a little funny.  Yesterday my BIL sent me 3 cd’s full of great exercise type music.  Lady GaGa, Rihanna, Kayne West, Daft Punk, even some Elvis!  So this morning I was driving into work in my little Nissan with my Rockford Fosgate sound system jamming!  Windows down, feeling the wind in my hair feeling like a kid again.  As I came upon some highways guys working on the side of the road they saw/heard me coming and started dancing!  I was listening to Rock DJ by Robbie Williams and they were dancing with their signs!  I just had to crack up and wave at them! 

I am feeling alot better right now, in fact I have decided I need to start acting like a kid more often.  Being an adult is just too stuffy for me.  So this vacation is dedicated entirely to me being a big ol goof!  I plan on going out when Tom gets home and digging in the dirt.  In fact I may just tackle him in the middle of the newly tilled up garden and take him right there!  :-0

I may be 38 but I’m tired of acting it.  For the next 5 days I better not hear anyone address me as Ms. or Ma’am or any of those other old lady titles.  I am 18 again and I plan on pulling my hair back in a ponytail and popping bubbles with my bubble gum!

Now where are my flip flops?  Oh hell nevermind, I’m gonna go feel the wet cold dirt between my toes.  To hell with my pedicure!  I miss dirty toes!

Rumination.

Webster’s Dictionary defines it as:

1 : to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly; 2 : to engage in contemplation : reflect

I finally have a word to put with what I do about my diet.  Except I go to extremes to the point I let it stress me out.

This was all brought up by accident today.  A little history, I have always considered myself as anal.  I am an analyst by profession so I always thought it went along with it.  Now I think I am an analyst by some genetic mishappening (no, not really but I needed to interject some humor!).

But I look at things over and over, very critical and obsessive.  Almost to the point that I have had others call me OCD.  It has taken me years to allow my house to even get a little dirty.  A dirty house can really stress me out.  In fact I have been doing it for the past week (stressing that is) and scheduled time off next week to spring clean.

Anyway getting back to at work today.  We have an issue going on right now that I am (of course) stressing over.  And today my boss told me I was ruminating over it.  I almost got cross with him for saying such a thing.  But then it got me to thinking about it (imagine that!!).  I have been called OCD and anal but never ruminating.  So I got online and looked it up in more context.  Wow, that is SOOOO me.

I cant just let something be…or happen.  I have to break it down, take it apart.  And instead of putting it back together and putting it away, I keep breaking it down and taking it apart.  Critically analyzing, looking for deficiencies and faults.  And not being happy until I do find them.  Of course all I am gonna do is then blame myself for allowing the deficiencies and faults.

And I realized I do this with EVERYTHING!  My diet only being one of them.  OMG.  I am a ruminator!  And I am letting it ruin my life.

Its like a big bright light has been turned on above me.  A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  This is something I can control and stop.  I can stop letting everything get to me.  I can stop over-analyzing everything that happens.  (and let me tell ya, I do it with everything.  Conversations with friends, co-workers.  Over comments people make to me.  Whether to buy chicken or turkey…oh God I could go on.)

*WHEW*  Relief

I needed this wake up call.  My boss called me out and made me see this.  And to think I didnt really care for him! LOL!

Yeah, I’m still gonna have bad days.  But no more of this. 

Here are a couple of articles I found.  Really interesting stuff.  I am printing out the ‘how to stop’ article.  I will read the tips when I am having a moment!

http://stress.about.com/od/psychologicalconditions/a/rumination.htm

http://www.ehow.com/how_2005277_stop-ruminating.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

To start off my Monday my laptop decided it was time to crash.  The one I just got fixed.  So I spent all night last night trying to keep it from happening.  I did but now its at work getting wiped out (intentionally) and Windows reloaded on it.  Since I prevented the crash I didnt lose anything, thank goodness.  I still have not flashed all my photos yet.

And its just been a tough week all around. I have no idea but my mood sucks.  And to be honest I really think it has to do with my diet/weight.  You can stop now because I am gonna vent for my own purposes and probably ramble alot.

But I had a long talk with my mother yesterday about things she has noticed about me.  Pointed a few things out that I need to take notice of.  But to that later…

One thing bothering me is that it seems I can just think about food and gain.  You think I am nuts but I’m not.  I busted my ass last week and gained.  Didnt cheat but gained.  So tell me how f’d that is?  And it was true because it hasnt gone anywhere.  In fact I have gained more due to Easter.

Which brought me to the talk with my mom.  I feel like I am not living anymore.  I feel like my entire life is nothing but this diet.  I have to think all the time about what I am gonna eat, what I am gonna cook.  If we go to someone’s house how I either have to take my food (and then hear about it) or not eat at all because I will gain.

Do I want to stop?  No.  Do I want to gain?  No again.  But do I want to stop thinking about this 24/7?  YES!!! 

I am at a crossroads and I dont know which way to go.  My plans I had thought about over the weekend are on hold because I am tired of thinking about it.  Somehow I have got to find a medium between diet and life.  Right now I dont have it.  I am sick of being tired all the damn time because I run from work to home to clean, to cook, to exercise, to wash, to clean more and then cook tomorrow’s lunch and then try to rest some before I go to bed.  So that I can then lay in bed and think about doing it all over again.  I need some numb time.  I need to stop thinking, to stop doing.

I stopped on my way home yesterday and bought some B-12 to just try to find some energy.  Then I researched it and found its not gonna do jack.  Oh well, again there is no magic in a pill.  The only thing I can do to find energy is to rest some.  Yeah, sure.  I’ll get right on that.  After I finish typing this, change the cat box, cook supper, unload the dishwasher and reload it.  Oh and lets not forget about cooking tomorrow lunch. 

I am feeling very overwhelmed and I dont like it at all.  Oh and the phone call with mom?  She is the one who pointed out my obsession with this diet.  She said its all I talk about, its all I do.  I am either talking about it or talking about exercising, skipping out on my life because of this diet.

So today I say ENOUGH!!  I have HAD IT!  It cannot control my life as I am letting it control me.  I’m not saying I am on my way out to McDonalds but I’ve gotta stop thinking about it so damn much. 

I really dont think I am going to my meeting this week.  The place is not inspiring me at all.  We have only a handful of members and I think they only show up for social hour.  I love my leader but shes just not doing it for me.  I have been around this same weight for 4 months now.  I know its up to me to get the weight off but its up to WW’s to keep me going.  This meeting just isnt.  I dont feel like I am learning anything to help me thru times like this.

I dont know buddies (if there is anyone still out there even reading this) what to do.  But I am tired.  Just worn the hell out.

I’ll be around but not alot this week.  I need to work some things out.  I need to take a step back and see how bad I really want this. 

Oh man!  It all went downhill at the cookout yesterday!  Burger, hot dogs, cheese dip and chips.  And dont even get me started on the desserts! 

Needless to say I didnt say no.  I had waaaayyyy to many in-laws saying “one bite wont hurt”  and they were right.  If I had stuck to one bite!  LOL!!

And then the huge Easter dinner today. Yup, I did it all over again.

But you know what.  Its ok.  Maybe not ok but I am ok with it.  I wont be happy the scales are gonna be up this week but its the holidays and I splurged.

It seems I do alot of thinking when I’m eating.  And one thing that hit me this weekend was…this is NOT a race.  Its good to have goals and such but I’ve got to stop making this a race for myself.  I cannot say I MUST have this weight off by such in such date because I am setting myself up for failure.  I really am.  Just like last week.  I didnt do anything wrong but I gained.  And I let it really get to me.  But why?  Why do I think I have to get this off in the next week, next month?

Its been a real problem of mine from the get-go.  In fact I do it alot with everything in my life.  I seem like I am constantly racing myself and when I dont win (how stupid is that) I beat myself up.  So I’m gonna stop it.  I’ll get there when I get there and not a minute sooner.  If I want to splurge I’m going too.  And I wont get all stupid when I see it on the scales.  I’ve got to learn to do this now or I’m not gonna succeed when I do hit goal.

But I am working on a new goal (not a date)…and a new program.  In fact I’m gonna give it a cool new name and start some charting and making myself accountable.  This is gonna be my springtime fling.  Not gonna go into it right now as I am still tweaking it but when I get it all set I’ll let ya know!  Instead of competing with myself I’m gonna inspire myself! 

Hope everyone had a Happy Easter!  No hunts here today, its barely reached 50 degrees and we have gotten over 3.5 inches of rain.  Bad winds, lots of hail and crazy lightning but no tornadoes!! WOOOOHOOO!!

I just wanted to check in and say I am back!  I got in an amazing 35 minute workout on my elliptical after forcing myself to do something beside sit and whine about my emotional eating fest.  It could have turned ugly really quick but it didnt.  SkinnyChris won out and send fatwhinyChris out the door!

But I wanted to show yall this website.  Even though my elliptical has a digital screen showing how far I’ve gone, how many carbs and calories I burned I know better than to trust it.  So I got to surfing the net for a calorie calculator that would show on average how much I was burning.  Of course this wont be 100% on the money but it will give you an idea.   It shows 222 activites and how much you burn.

http://primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/jumpsite/calculat.htm

So I just finished making a huge pot of baked potato soup, it looks so yummy I could dive into it right now!  But I wont!  Its for us to have this weekend to eat on since we are both gonna be so busy.  In the morning I’m going to my grandmothers and we are gonna see if we can find any yard sales.  Depending on how much time I have after that I may get groceries.  But since I have to be back home before 3 that may have to wait until Sunday.  Easter is Tom’s family’s other big holiday and we are all getting together tomorrow afternoon for an Easter egg hunt and burgers on the grill (doing it tomorrow since we have the storm risk Sunday).  I am thinking that instead of me hauling all my burger stuff over and then having to keep mine separate from everyone else’s that I will take me a big ol bowl of the soup instead.  I can have 2 cups for 7 points and since I will probably be cold anyway I can sip on it and stay warm. 

So anyway, crisis averted.  Well almost…I still gotta burn off the damage from last night.  Thats something else I gotta fit in tomorrow.  Hum…I better put off the shopping until Sunday so I can workout before I have to go to Tom’s moms.

Anyway, thats it for tonight…probably wont see you guys until Sunday so have the best weekend ever and HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Oh man…what a night.  First I am ok, all my family is ok…we were lucky. But my neighbors just to the west took a huge hit last night by a massive tornado and 3 lives were lost.  Its a sad day for our state.

If you have read my blogs before you know I am completely and totally scared of storms.  Ok, maybe scared it not a strong enough word.  Terrified to the point of hysterics.  You would think by now I would have left tornado alley but this is my home. 

So last night when things were marching across the state toward us I broke and went nuts in the kitchen.   I cant tell you what I ate because I dont even know myself.  I thought I was beyond that by now but that goes to show you how bad my phobia is.  Total loss of reasoning.

Today isnt much better.  I havent binged, been on track but with another chance of storms looming for Easter and last night being replayed over and over on local and national tv its like rubbing salt in a fresh cut.  I could open the fridge, pick it up and shake the entire contents down my throat.  And then probably still go out for more.

I ate last night until the nerves set in so bad that I thought I was gonna throw up.  I told Tom I wasnt sure if it was the food or the nerves but the two were a bad combo.  We did end up in the storm shelter which probably was what stopped me.  Once we got the all clear my adrenaline crashed, I got a massive headache and I went to bed. 

My sister called me this morning to make sure we were all ok.  She also shared that she is now down 18 pounds!  Isnt that wonderful?  I am so proud of her, she has really turned her life around.  So I had to tell her about my gain.  She told me not to stress it which I havent but then I admitted to last night.  She knows how I am about storms so she understood.  And then she scolded me.  She reminded me how she still has over 80 pounds to lose and how I am just fighting 10 and that I needed to calm down.  She is right, but how do I stop this non-stop comfort food craving I am having?

I need to go exercise and stop this but I dont want to.  Maybe later.

Yup, I gained.  Not really sure what happened but there it was in digital black and gray.  1.6 pounds.  Maybe fluid, maybe too much exercise vs not enough food?  Not really sure.  I stayed within my points range and didnt go over my extra 35.  For 3 weeks now I have not splurged at all…maybe thats the problem?

Yeah, everyone was heavy today and our leader blamed the scales.  Not so sure I believe that.  For weeks she has been saying she needs a new battery but corporate hasnt sent her one.  So she has been winging it or plugging it in.  And to be honest it has jumped around some and we have to keep moving it around to get it to zero out.  But it seems weird to me it would be light for 2 weeks and then heavy the next.  I’m not gonna dwell on that.

So what is my plan of action?  I have no clue.  Keep doing exactly like I am I guess and make sure I use up all my extra points if I keep working out so hard.  One of my meeting friends told me to sit on my ass for a week and she bets I lose 5 pounds!  But that wont help with my toning.  Which I know has improved because the pants I have on today fit better than they did two weeks ago.  ALOT better.

But I’m not gonna lie to you because I am human.  I did have thoughts of “oh to hell with it, I am done”.  Trying to convince myself I am this close to goal and that the last 10 pounds dont count.  BULLSHIT!  They do count.  So I stopped that thinking right away and refused to wallow in self pity and destructive thinking.  Its a gain on a scale.  A digital machine that does not rule my life.  I know I did good and that is all that matters.  Life as a whole is all about ups and downs.  That is also true about our weight. But just like with life we have to keep it in control or it will control us.

So!  With that being said I guess I’m off to cook supper.  Will it be something healthy or will I play around a little bit tonight?  Who knows.  But I know regardless of what those scales said today that I can hold my head up high and say I had a good week.  Try to convince me otherwise!  :-}

Any footlong!!

LOL!!  Guess what we had for supper tonight??!!  Now I have that stupid song stuck in my head.  

Yummy…..oven roasted chicken subway.  We brought them home and I added my own cheese so I had 6 inches of it tonight for only 7 points.  Added some cauliflower and corn and it was a meal!  Plus I have the other 6 inches for lunch tomorrow after my WW’s meeting. 

Speaking of, I’m a little nervous about weigh in tomorrow.  I know my losses are gonna slow down, there is no way I can keep losing 3 pounds a week.  But I am afraid I wont have lost anything this week.  I have no reason why to think this but I do.  I just know my body and how weird it is.  But I guess I’ll see tomorrow at noon.  Right now I would be happy with just a pound gone.

No exercise today, I had to work super late again and by the time we ran to Subway and ate, well its right now…7:11.  I dont work out this late if I can help it because I wont sleep.  Its takes so little to keep me awake at night anymore.  I refuse to take sleeping pills but some nights I sure wish I would change my mind!  Last night I had the most stupid dreams which means I didnt rest at all.  So I am already dragging tonight.  I sure could use that last chance workout but its not gonna happen.

Speaking of, what did you think of The Biggest Loser last night?  Ron really let the cousins have it didnt he?!  I loved it!  Sione didnt deserve it but Filipe sure did.  I cannot stand him, dont think I have since his little fit with Jillian.  He just whines too much for me.  I guess I am still rooting for Kristen.  This week you could really see the physical changes in her.  I may be totally wrong but I think she did the right thing by not letting Filipe and Sione talk smack to her.  There was no reason to drag her into the whole mess.  My only wish is that Laura had sent Helen home instead of Sione.  Out of those two she really needed to go home!  I think she lost my support after the binge episode where she smoked and then try to lie about it to Jillian.  Be big enough to admit it!  And quit whining! 

I know someone is gonna disagree with me so come on, let me have it!