skinnychris

I need to say thanks to Becky, Holly, Debra, Nancy, Bette Jo and Dee for the comments on my blog last night.  Everyone of you in your own way have given me alot to think about.  Becky, you are right.  I need to get back to Curves (or somewhere else…I’ll explain that in a minute) and get back to my exercise routine.  I miss it more than I thought, in a way it turned into a drug for me.  The high I was getting after a good workout was the best.  Debra made me think about my job.  I do have a certain few friends at work but they are few and far between.  I have never worked anywhere that has so many back-stabbing, two faced people as where I work now.  Thats why I dont socialize much.  One wrong word and even look and you are the gossip de’jure of the day.  I just cant get into that.  So thats why I just make sure I do what is expected of me and stay out of the rest.  Right now they are planning a shower for a girl who has never liked me (she was friends with a girl who used to work for me that I had to fire.  You can figure out the rest) and hasnt even uttered a word to me since Halloween.  But its expected of me to cook a dish and buy a gift just because we work together?!?!?  Uhm, no.

So here is where I am today.  I did attend my meeting and I was up 1.3 pounds.  Thats ok, I really thought it was gonna be alot worse.  I wanted to talk to my leader today about my feelings but we had a new member and I couldnt bump her and the attention she needed.  I felt great while I was there.  There are only 6-8 of us at this meeting and we are all a bunch of crazy, living for the weekend women.  So we had alot of laughs about our stories of the long weekend.  So I do feel like I *got* something out of it.  But it didnt keep me from coming home, buying some beer and eating leftover hot sausage cheesedip!  Yup, I caved and ate that shit.  And ya know what, I dont feel any better.  Well, it wasnt emotional eating so I knew it wouldnt help me any but it just didnt do anything for me.  I think I wanted it because the old me wanted it.  How stupid is that?

Now, the gym part.  Just south of me (but not in the city where I work or live) the hospital has opened a new wellness center.  For a family (in this case Tom and myself) the monthly membership is 55 bucks.  Very affordable and it would be for both of us.  But Tom cant make up his mind if he wants to join.  And to be honest, I love this man but I know this man!!  He might go at first but he never commits. Come on, we have been together for 5 years and I just got my ring 6 months ago! LOL!!!  He will come in one day, say he needs to lose 10 lbs.  Eats good, works out on my elliptical or goes for a bike ride and then goes to bed.  Its all forgotten about when he wakes up and if I mention it he says he is fine.  But I dont want to tell him no in case he really means it this time.  So until he really commits I think I’m just gonna buy one month of Curves and see what happens after that.  I know the owner is gonna do her best to get me to sign a contract but it wont happen. And if she gets cross with me I can always go to the Curves south of my town and workout there. 

I have one week to decide about WW’s.  I know after my bitchfest last night it sounds stupid now to say but I still really want to make their goal.  I really want to know I did it.  I dont want to quit, I am not a quitter.  So please, and I am being serious for anyone reading this.  Tell me how to find my gusto that I had last year at 246 pounds?  I had ALOT more weight to lose, had the same battles to fight, the same weekend temptations but yet I survived them.  I lost every week from Jan 10th to July 4th.  And I only gained 1.6 pounds that weekened because I did splurge big time.  Tell me how to wake up and say I am gonna do it and mean it?  Yes, looking the way I want to look now has alot to do with why I’m not so strict anymore.  I dont want to lose another clothing size.  But I know I could still take 10 more pounds off my belly and out of my ass and make my size now fit even better!!!!

So here is it.  I am down to crunch time.  How I do this week will be my deciding factor as to whether I keep attending meetings or not. If I dont, I will stick with the program but at my own pace and maybe stay where I am indefinitely.  I have a week to prove to myself I can either do it or I will have to accept the 170’s are where I will remain.

And the clock starts ticking…

I came in today and checked in but I waited until after supper to blog.  Before I did I was a grizzly bear.  I guess now I’m just a bear cub in a bad mood.  And now looking over my blog this is turning into a 18th century novel and more of a way for me to vent than for you to have to read.  Please feel free to keep reading but if you fall asleep and wake up in a puddle of your own drool at 3 in the morning with a crick in your neck its not like I didnt warn ya!

I havent been in a bad mood all day but somehow it snuck up on me.  I think it all started when I realized today is my 5 year anniversary at my job.  Let me start by saying I sure didnt think I would be there now when I started 5 years ago.  Not that I dont like my job, for the most part I do.  But I feel very invisible there.  Yes, I choose not to get involved with alot of the stuff that goes on there…socializing, politics, etc. but when it comes to my job I just feel like since I dont make a stink I just get looked over.  Never do I get an atta-aboy or a nod.  Not that I am a glory hound but I just feel like I show up at work, work and go home.  I was thinking today as I was leaving that if I have a problem I really have no one to go to.  No one I feel like I could trust.  My old boss left last year after being there for over 10 years and she would go to bat for me.  I cant say that about anyone there now.  In fact the person who replaced her barely speaks to me and never stops by just to say hi or to see if I need to talk about anything.  I am just really down about the whole thing.  Plus I am going no where there because there is no where to go unless I go and get a law degree!  Of course I am thankful (I really am) to have my job and I need to just shut up and suck it up because so many are without one right now. I dont know, its just something on my mind and its bothering me.  I just dont want to be sitting here feeling the same way in another 5 years. 

And diet wise, well I am doing ok but I guess I’m just not into it today.  I keep a personal journal with me at all times to jot things down in, thoughts, ideas or something I come across.  And sometimes I just write like I do here.  And today I told myself I really needed to either shit or get off the pot.  And its true.  I have been at or about this weight now since October of last year.  I checked back over my old WW’s weigh in logs.   That is 7 months I have been goofing off or not taking this serious.  I will lose some, I will gain some.  Be really good for a few weeks, a month maybe and then start slacking.  Granted I did gain alot when my grandfather passed in December and I have taken it off but 180 (plus or minus a few pounds) seems to be where I have settled.  While I have not hit goal (or lifetime) I seem to have the maintenance part down pat.  So to back to my shit or get off the pot analogy.  Do I want to keep at this?  Do I really want to see 169?  So if I do, if I really do I have GOT to, no MUST get on track, stay on track and stop playing around.  But if I dont, then can/will I be happy here and keep on maintaining? 

To be honest, if you have not figured it out by my constant yard sale-ing I am a cheap person!  I hate paying for anything that I can get for cheap!  LOL!!  So I am sick of paying WW’s to tell me I have either gained or lost when I feel like thats all that is happening.  I can do that at home for free.  I know the program inside and out, backward and forward, in my sleep, in my dreams.  I know I can do it on my own, I know I will never go back to my original weight.  I wont let myself gain more than a few pounds, EVER before taking them back off.  Again, I am good at the maintain.  I hate to quit because my leader depends on me and I do like my group.  But as it stands right now, if and this is a BIG if I lose 2 pounds a week it will be the week after the 4th of July before I hit goal.  Then I have 6 weeks of maintenance (to learn what I already know???!!).  So thats around 12 weeks from now.  At 41 bucks per 4 weeks that is another 123 dollars.

And I dont see me doing that.  I dont see my body letting go of 2 pounds a week even being on track 100% with exercise.  And I dont see me being good while on the float trip fathers day weekend or over the 4th holiday.  I dont mean that as a cop-out, I am being honest…thats all.

So again, that comes back to the shitting or getting off the pot.  I have to decide between now and next Thursday (I am paid up with WW’s thru then) whether to go at this with the same gusto I had last year or stop killing myself with the mind games and just take life as it is and probably end up staying at this weight. 

But…I can also take that money I will be saving at WW’s and spend it on the month to month at Curves.  And that I know I wont quit because I am missing it so much right now.  I think that is another issue, I have lost my groove.  Today at lunch I wanted to go work out so badly.  My body is missing it and my mind is missing it.  I sorta feel screwed over it because of the way they force you to pay.  Tom and I decided last night that I will not sign the contract and they will not draft us.  Just not gonna happen.

Maybe tomorrow something wonderful will happen at my meeting to shake me up and get me going again.  But I doubt it.  I just aint feeling the love right now.  As I have said many times before, no I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Never, ever, NEVER!  I just need to re-think some things to see where I am going.  Where I WANT to go.

Right now I want to go take a long soak in a hot bathtub.

Hum…where to start today?  I seem off kilter today.  I guess its the long weekend that has me so messed up.  That and the lack of control and no exericse.  So I feel out of sorts.  Almost like I’m not where I’m suppose to be.

As far as the diet, I am back on track today.  I guess since I ate some much over the weekend I havent been very hungry today.  My belly is still very upset with me so I wont be doing any heavy duty veggie eating for a few days.  That would only make it worse.  This afternoon has been a little tricky.  I wanted to come in and just raid the fridge even though I’m not hungry.  But I know there is cheesedip in there!  If Tom doesnt want any tonight its going into the bottom of the deep freezer for safe (meaning out of my reach) keeping!

Exercise, well I’m still stuck about whether I want to join Curves or not.  I do, I really do.  I enjoy it, I enjoy the people I work out with and I love the way it makes me feel.  But I am very weird about signing that contract.  I just dont like that one bit at all.  I can skip that part and pay month to month but its 10 bucks more if I do that.  So I need to decide which is better…the contract or the month to month.  But I need to do something soon because I really did miss it today and blame not going on alot of my sluggishness.

Even though I said I was not going to weigh I got on the scales this morning without really thinking about it.  Guess it was habit.  WOW!  I sure hope that is alot of fluid retention or I gained in one weekend what it took an entire month to lose!  Ugh, summertime is gonna be the downfall of me!  Just looking ahead at this weekend.  Saturday I have big old fashioned redneck wedding to attend.  Seriously, this thing could be on CMT!  LOL!  Its gonna be outside with so much food they could feed a small country. And booze?  Dont even get me started on that.  The mayors daughter is getting married and they are gonna make sure do it up right. 

And things like this will continue until well into fall.  Thats the one bad thing about living in a small town.  There is nothing to do so people eat and drink all weekend long.  Either around a pool in summer or a bonfire in fall.

I was counting up today.  The 4th of July holiday is in a little over 6 weeks.  Another long weekend of parties.  *sigh*

All I can do is work like crazy between now and then and see how close to goal I can get.  But I know I’m gonna have splurges between now and then just because I am human.  So all I can do it take the losses and gains as they come.  I have to stop pressing myself so hard to get to 169 when it may not happen right now.  Am I happy with that?  Not really.  But am I realistic?  Yup. 

I’m gonna go check out some blogs. I am boring myself with my droning on and on about nothing at all!  Have a great night buddies!!!

Hi my buddies!  I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday!  We have and let me tell ya, I am worn out and I am SICK of food.  My poor belly woke me up shortly after midnight this morning and has given me no relief since.  I think its letting me know exactly what is thinks about this weekend so its giving me a reminder to not do it again.

I didnt eat my side of beef *hehehehe* but I think I have eaten everything else.  I am so sick of eating I have wondered how I used to eat like this on a weekend basis.  And I did like it?  How? Blah, I feel like a bloated, over eaten fat ass right now.

I’m not even gonna talk about gaining because I know I have.  So instead I’m gonna talk about my mind games and how I want perfection.  This started today with me cleaning house. I have admitted I am OCD in alot of way, especially when I clean.   But since I was pressed for time today I needed to just clean, thats it.  Not any deep scrubbing or closet cleaning…just clean.  But I cant!  I start in on one thing and then end up some where else, totally off track.  And I realize its a vicious cycle throughout my life.  Even with my diet.  I strive for perfection.  That is why I was so tore up over this weekend for a week before it!!  In fact at one time today while cleaning the bathroom (and seeing myself in mirrors that cover 3/4 of the walls in there) that my goal of 169 wasnt enough.  I decided I need to lose more!  I was thinking maybe another 30 pounds!!  Where in the hell did that come from?

I have a closet full of clothes (actually now 2.5 closets full) that I love!  Most I have not even worn yet!  And most are size 10 or 12’s.  I have not been a 10 or 12 for years!  So why do I think I need to be even smaller? 

Ugh, here I go again.  And why, really?  Did one weekend put that much doubt in my mind?  And if it did then why would I ever want to splurge again?  I dont feel defeated by these thought but I do wonder why they creep in.  But enough.  I just needed to get this out here.  I had a fun filled weekend with too much food and too much booze.  One weekend will not cause me to gain it all back.  One weekend will not change my mind.  One weekend will not destroy me.   So I’m not perfect.  Big whooping friggin deal!!

A quick Dozer update becaue I think it cute and I dont have kids to brag on! LOL!  I put his stinky butt in the tub today.  He has decided he wants to be in the house as much as possible or maybe even full time.  So tonight he comes straight in after us working on the pool and jumps in Tom’s recliner.  I bet the look of shock on my face scared him!  I was ok with it but not with his smelly funk so I told him to the bath we go.  And he was ok with it!  It wasnt easy getting him into the garden tub (the shower would have been better, its walk in and we have a hand wand on it but being his first time I was seeing a disaster waiting to happen.)  But anyway, he didnt fight me and I think he enjoyed it!  In fact he wouldnt get out because I think he was really liking the toweling off part!!  Becky, I have no intentions of ever letting him go back, my home is his home now.  Tom and I have been talking tonight and we are trying to think of a way to formally adopt him.  I told Tom we should go over with cash and offer it to him for a bill of sale.  In my state animals are considered property.  But I do plan on talking to my boss (he is my IT director but also an attorney) tomorrow to see if we have any rights because here ‘possession is 9/10’s of the law’ does apply and we have had him now for 2 weeks.  

So I guess that its!  I need to get off here and get my breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow.  No more cheating, its time to get back on track and undo what I did this weekend.  Plus I am dog ass tired!!  Night guys! 

If you havent heard that song, well…you need to.  Its just a nice reminder that you never know who you will make an impact on just by being nice.  Just by saying the right thing, taking the time out of your day to make someone else’s day just a little better, a little happier just by listening or carrying on with a word or two.  Just be nice to those around you and wonderful things will happen to you.  ‘Nuff said.

First things first…THANK you all for the comments yesterday about the pit bull incident.  You guys are the best!  Becky, when I read your blog last night I could feel the heat coming off you as you typed those words.  And yes, everyone of you are right, he needs to be reported and would have been but…

apparently the dog is gone.  And that worries me right there because I’m not sure what happened.  We were at our cookout last night and our friend’s stepson was there.  He said he was at the bait store just up from our house and saw the pit.  He was running around the parking lot, scaring people but really looking for food I am sure.  So the girl working in there had called the city cops who in turn called the county.  So I dont know what happened with that and I try not to think about it.  Becky was right, they will put him down if they got him.  But in a way I hope they did get him before some redneck with a gun got him.  But he is gone.

Dozer is ok, he is again laying on my kitchen rug.  In his still puppy state his legs are too long for his upper body so he is top heavy.  So he has a hard time on the hardwoods.  So where ever he can find a rug he will stick to it.  I have to lay down blankets just for him to get footing enough to get up!  He is so silly!  He has been in since 7 this morning because he has decided he hates the rain even with outside shelter.  No accidents but we did let him out for awhile around lunch. Now he is snoozing again.  And Leah, he said he would LOVE for you to come have a beer with us.  And if you have a buddy for him, he would be glad to share a bone or two!  :-p

Now, about last night. Well I still havent gotten my ribs and I guess I wont this weekend.  Just as they fired up the grill last night it came one hell of a downpour!!!  So instead they ordered pizza!  OMG!  Do you know how long its been since I’ve had real, true blue pizza?  And from my favorite pizza joint to boot!  But after I ate a salad I only had room for 2 slices of pepperoni.  So it wasnt all bad.  Of course I got up this morning and had two more for breakfast     :-0

Today has been miserable around here.  The rain has been coming down in buckets.  Right *now* its stopped and its not suppose to start up again until tomorrow.  So tonight’s cookout is back on and I am being forced to make cheese dip.  No, I dont have a gun held to my head but it was asked of me by a few different folks and I’m not one to say no like that.  So I’m gonna make it and I’m gonna eat some and be ok with it.  Funny when you arent being so strict with everything it gives you a little time to do some soul searching and to be honest, while this weekend may have not been good for my waistline it has been good for looking inside myself as to why I am losing this weight and why 169 is so important to me.  And while it is still very important to me, I have decided I am NOT gonna pass up opportunities to live.  No, life is not all about food but in this world life and food does go hand in hand when we celebrate.  So if I gain this weekend, so what?  Really.  I mean it.  What is it gonna do?  Will the stock market crash?  Will gas prices go up to 5 bucks a gallon?  Will the sky turn black and stay that way until I lose it?  And besides me who else is gonna stress over it?

I am too close to goal to let silly shit like that bother me now.  So I’m gonna eat my hot sausage cheese dip tonight, I’m gonna drink the other 6 beers left out of my 12 pack from yesterday and I’m gonna be the only girl in the group tonight in the shop and listen to way too many dirty jokes and comments from the best guys friends in the world.  And when I get on those scales again and I see that gain…I’m gonna think back and say it was worth it because those are times I may never have again.

And I’ll be singing the entire time…

God is great, beer is good…and people are crazy

I did it buddies, I didnt break last night.  The smell of burgers and hot dogs was enough to make a grown man cry out in hunger but not me.  I smiled and said no!  No beer drinking either!  I was so proud of myself and came home happy!  Now today…well I did make that deal with myself! LOL!

But really, I do plan on eating some summertime fare tonight.  And I stopped and got myself a 12 pack.  So yeah, I’m gonna have some fun tonight.  Not go crazy but yup, tonight is the night.  I think we are having ribs so hopefully they wont be too fatty and I can enjoy them without suffering too much!

Let me tell yall how my day started.  As most of my buddies know we have sort of adopted the next door mastiff pup.  His owner threw him out of the house and neglected him so we are taking care of him.  But last Sunday he brought in a pit bull and chained it up outside his house.  Now dont get me wrong when I say this, I love the breed.  Have nothing against them at all and have a friend whose pit bull Leo, is one of my favorite fur buddies.  But I am a little worried about the one next door.  His ears are almost completely gone.  I’m not sure if they have been cut or eaten off.  And not knowing his background makes me nervous.

So getting back to this morning, I was going yard sale-ing and was up before the sun.  So I went to the backporch to check on Dozer.  We have been keeping the gate open so he can come and go as he pleases.  Well I see what I think is Dozer standing over his food bowl but he was really dark.  And I was thinking he must be wet because he is a dark honey colored.  So to get a better look I went to the backdoor when all the sudden this pit jumped up on the door and was looking thru the window at me.  Scared the shit out of me!  I hollared for Tom but by the time he got there the dog was gone.  I finally found Dozer hiding behind some bushes.

So I told Tom to get dressed and grab the pistol and walk me to my car.  No, I dont and wont hurt the pit but again, I dont know him.  I left without seeing him.  But minutes later Tom called.  Said he just walked up the back steps and heard what he thought was Dozer coming up behind him.  Nope, it was the pit coming right at him.  He froze knowing he couldnt get the pistol out of his pants quick enough but didnt want to spook the dog either and get jumped.  But get this, the pit came running with his tongue hanging out, jumped up on Tom and started loving all over him!  Tom petted him and when he opened the back door to come in, the pit ran in!  Tom had to literally drag him out.  And you want to know why all this happened?  Because the pit is starving. He looks just like Dozer did 2 weeks ago.  I dont know what in the hell we are gonna do.  First, he cannot let a pit run around loose.  We have an ordinance against them in my county.  Second, he is scary looking.  Someone is gonna kill him and I’m afraid they are gonna get Dozer too.  So here we go again. We havent seen him since this morning and as much as I hate to say it I hope he chained him back up.  Dozer is fine, in fact he is laying right behind me on my kitchen rug chewing on his stuffed Duck.  But we cant take care of the pit too.  And the county will take him if they see him running loose. 

But the yard sales sucked today!  Very few of them and the ones we did find didnt have much.  But thats ok, cant have a winning weekend everytime.  Between the weather and the holiday I knew there wouldnt be much.  Speaking of weather, the rain is slowly moving in, been raining now for around 20 minutes.  Slow and steady and its suppose to be here until *atleast* next Friday.  Yuck!!  No planting, no trimming, no pool opening.  Who knows, we may not cook out tonight afterall.  But I’m still drinking a few beers!!  :-p

LOL!  Doze just walked up and put his head in my lap and looked at the computer like he was saying ‘whatcha doin?’.  Big ol floppy eared doof!  I think he wanted to ask Becky how Leroy is doing! 

See you guys later!  Have a safe Saturday night!

Thats my motto for this weekend.  I plan on playing and refusing to grow up!  Its the first official weekend of the summer and I plan on enjoying it to the fullest!!!

With that being said, I still dont plan on going crazy.  In fact tonight I plan on eating before we go to the cookout.  I bought stuff to make myself healthy chili dogs!  So I still feel like I am eating summertime, bad food while staying on track.  I also plan on skipping the drinking tonight due to the fact I have to get up early in the morning.  And to play tricks with myself I have agreed that if I am good tonight I will allow some cheating tomorrow.  But then hopefully it will be coming a downpour by afternoon and that cookout will be cancelled! LOL!!!

Let me tell you about my weigh in and measure at Curves today.  It was AWESOME!!!  Just what I needed with this weekend coming up.  First, since April 24th I have lost 6.75 pounds.  That means I have lost 1.10% of my body fat (or 4 pounds of pure’d FAT!)!  Now I am considered to be in the healthy body fat range!!!!!!!  *jumping up and down*!!  Is that not awesome or what?  Also, that puts my BMI at 26.1 which is only 1.1 point from no longer being considered overweight!!!!

In total I lost 7.5 inches off my body!  Now THAT was thrilling to hear!  But of course the most inches off one spot (1.75 inches) came off my boobs!!!  I am rapidly being promoted to chairperson of the itty bitty titty committee!!  I knew my brand new bras were fitting loose but still. How about sucking more off my belly?  I did lose 1/2 inch off my waist and 1 1/2 inches off my abdomen though.

So I have to say the 30 days was definitely worth it.  I’m gonna think about it over the weekend and talk to Tom but I will probably join up.  I really dont want to go backwards now and let all that muscle turn back to flab.

I also did a modified workout today so I could still sweat some without hurting the knee any.  Thanks for all the comments and well wishes, it is feeling better today.  Still feeling twisted if that makes sense but I think alot of that has to do with the swelling.  I plan on taking it easy this weekend plus I cant bike right now anyway, my bike has a flat!  I have no idea what I ran over, Tom is gonna have to look at it for me.

So I guess thats my Friday in a nutshell!  I worse a tangerine orange sleeveless Old Navy dress today, the ones that look like a long Polo shirt.  People just had a fit over it.  And I felt really good in it too.  I caught a glimpse of myself a few times today and really couldnt believe it was me.  Where did that thin person come from?  Where are the bulges and bumps?!?!?!  Yeah, today is a MUCH better today.  Getting that report from Curves was exactly what I needed right now.

Ok, I am off!  I need to get changed into an old pair of cut-offs, an ugly tee and a pair of flip flops!  Let summer begin!!  Everyone have a wonderful holiday weekend but PLEASE be careful out there!  Even if you arent drinking and driving the person you meet on the road may be so stay alert.   Lets see each other all back here Tuesday, fully rested from a long, fun filled weekend!!  And dont forget what this weekend is truly about.  Remember our service people, the ones we have lost along the way throughout the years and the ones still fighting for our freedom. Say a little prayer for them.  Bye buddies!!!

Because I did.  Seriously, I think it had to do with changing scales.  Our digital scales are a POS so we decided to retire them.  We dragged the doctor scales back out and thats what it showed.  Last week I weighed 177.6, today 177.5.  So in other words, I maintained!!  Not complaining one bit since I know what I put in my body over the weekend.  So WOOT for me!

But now to the complaining.  I hurt my knee today at the gym.  And now I am in a very foul mood.  Let me do some ’splaining.  Years ago, 2002 I think it was, I was moving.  Another move during my divorce so it wasnt a good time to start off with.  I was pitching and pulling clothes out of my closet deciding what to keep and what to throw away.  It just so happens a suede skirt landed at the top of my staircase.  Yup, I did it.  Without thinking I started down the stairs, stepped on the skirt in sock feet.  It slid underneath me and caused me to start slidding. Down the stairs I went.  And when I finally landed my right leg was twisted behind me in a very bad position.  I didnt go to the ER as I had no insurance but I did get in to see my PCP the next morning.  But again, with no insurance I couldnt afford x-rays and the MRI he wanted to do.  So instead I landed on crutches for a few weeks, a huge knee and alot of bruising. 

But because of that alone I have had to be very careful with my knee.  I have never been able to fully extend it out like I used to be able to do. The pain would stop me dead in my tracks if I did.  But for some reason today, probably because I was talking to the trainer and not paying attention I over extended on the leg press machine and instantly knew I had capital letter F’d up!  The pain hit, ran all the way down my leg and settled in my ankle. 

I was able to walk out, semi grin on my face and limp to my car.  Now I am just hurting.  Ice and a hot soak in the bath and still hurting.  More ice coming up.  But that is NOT how I wanted to end my 30 days with Curves.  

And of course because I overthink and rethink (remember ruminating?) everything in my life I am totally stressing over this weekend.  I wont be able to make my Fathers Day goal.  I’m ok with that, really I am.  But of course it sets the stage of “why not go ahead and have fun this weekend” instead of thinking “I need to keep it in check this weekend”.  Something tells me no matter how much I ruminate over it I’m gonna end up eating.  And drinking. But ya know what?  Thats ok too.  I am human right?  And just because I do eat and drink this weekend it doesnt mean I am a failure or blowing it, right?  Then would you PLEASE tell my brain that because I am already beating myself up and I havent done anything yet!!!  >:-[

I think my biggest problem today is my knee.  I know for alot of folks this will make no sense. But to have this pop up now…well it takes me back mentally to my divorce and what I went thru.  How my ex cancelled my health insurance to be an ass and hurt me.  And it did.  And still years later it is still hurting me because I have an injury that could have been taken care of back then.  I know my divorced buddies can understand where I am coming from.  Debbi, Nancy?  You know what I mean.  The physical hurt may go away but it only takes one thing to undo us mentally.  One reminder and it knocks the wind right out of your sails.  And then I even get more mad for letting this all come rushing back to me.   

*sigh*.  I gotta stop this now before I blame my ex for the state of the country and the gas prices going back up. 

Oh my GOSH!! My appetite is out of control this afternoon.  I’m not a little bit hungry, I am friggin starving!  My belly is chewing on a rib! 

I am trying to calm it down, I fixed myself a Diet Coke and I’m munching on a Fiber 1 bar.  Maybe all that fiber will do the trick.  But I think its being caused by all the Memorial Day food bombardment.  It seems like no matter where I turn, look or listen I am hearing something about food.  Its all over tv, hell Ellen is doing some ice cream thing right now!  On the radio today while at work, its all I heard about.  We have a festival here Memorial Day weekend called Riverfest.  Its a huge to-do on the bank of the Arkansas River and its nothing but a junk food/cold beer fest.  Ok, they do have live music but mainly you go for the deep fried food and the gallons of beer or fruity little drinks.  We dont go but its all they are talking about on the radio and tv.  Deep fried twinkies, snickers, turkey legs, corn dogs, fried potatoes….ARGGGHHH!! No wonder my belly is screaming FEED ME NOW!!  I wish the new prez would take charge and make it illegal to celebrate our country’s holidays with food!  ENOUGH ALREADY!

My one saving grace to all the cookouts this weekend?  Well its suppose to rain now.  All that mess from Florida is about to move west.  Yeah, west not east.  Its called an Eastern Wave.  Cute huh?  Anyway, our rain chances have gone thru the roof so if its coming a flood there wont be any cookouts.  Of course that also means no tree trimming, no pool opening, no pumpkin planting.  But thats ok if it means it will save me from ruining my weekend with sides of beef and gallons of beer!!

My Curves 30 day membership ends this Friday.  So that means I get to weigh in there and also get my measurements taken again.  I am pretty excited about that.  The weigh in is gonna suck but I think I’ll be pretty happy with the inches lost.  I can really see a difference in certain parts of my body.  My legs especially.  I have nice little dents (not puckers!!) where my muscles have really toned.  My arms are looking awesome, good bye bat wings!  Even my sides and back are looking alot leaner.  Unless I’m dreaming it and its really still there!  But I also have to decide if I’m gonna continue my membership with them.  I do want to, I just hate signing long term contracts. That is a real con for me.  Not that I plan on stopping but you just dont know what is gonna happen a few months down the road.  I’m still thinking it over.

Weigh in is tomorrow, the scales are still up but looking better.  I might actually luck out with only a gain of a few ounces or maybe a maintain.  And hopefully we will have some news on whether this meeting will remain open or not.  I have decided for sure that if it closes I am done with attending meetings.  I will either do it online or attempt it myself.  While I’m not crazy about either of those ideas I just wont have time to drive out to the center for a meeting.  Its just too far from my office.

So anyway, thats about it.  The diet coke and fiber bar seems to have helped.  I’m not about to eat my Hungry stuffed man anymore!  His googly eyes crack me up.  I forgot to tell ya they sale a bigger one online (to the WW’s online members) and my sis bought me one.  So I have him sitting right under my monitor staring at me making sure I dont forget and go to shoving deep fried snickers in my mouth! 

Gotta get off here, we have to go mow my grandmothers yard this afternoon before the rain moves back in.  Well Tom has to mow, I get to visit with her.

Becky, the pup is doing good!  Growing like crazy and has developed somewhat of a pot belly on him!  He is still staying with us full time and no signs of dude coming to look for him either.

Later buddies!!

Wow, I remember now why I dont like taking long weekends off.  I can barely go the next day back at work.  Plus it doesnt help me at all that I sit in a cold, dark room for 8 hours a day with no sunlight.  I mean none at all.  If I want to see sun I have to go downstairs.  I do get out when I go to the gym but then I come back and eat lunch and get extremely tired after that.  And today I am feeling it.  I have yet to make it out on my bike ride and something is telling me I wont.  I think instead I’ll get on the elliptical tonight.  I just dont feel like loading up my bike, driving to the river, unloading and then dealing with the traffic down there.  I know, it sounds like a bunch of excuses and I’m not denying it.  They are, but I am just too tired to do it today. 

Ok guys, so what do you have planned for this weekend?  I really didnt think to much about it yesterday.  So we get an extra day off work.  Great!  If it doesnt rain I can get all sorts of stuff done this weekend.  If the garden dries enough I am gonna plant my Big Max pumpkins, some squash, broccoli and sunflowers.  About the only things I can do this late in the season.  And I really, really want to get the pool open.  But its yet to feel Memorial Day/Summertime around here for me.  It was 45 here this morning!  Last year it was hotter than hell at this time!  Crazy weather!

Anyway, back to this weekend. Guess what I found out?  We have cookouts to attend, starting Friday night.  I *might* be able to get around that one.  We wouldnt go over until later and I will be too hungry to wait to eat.  So I can eat at home and take a huge diet Coke with me to drink. I will be too tired from working so the party scene wont be happening that night for me.  But then we have not only Saturday and Sunday to get thru but they have to go and give us Monday too!  More food, to die for grilling and BBQ and lets not forget BEER!  What is Memorial Day without a cold one!?  ARRRGGHHH!!

And to make matters worse I will be going in this week to my meeting with a gain (up two pounds it seems).  Totally expected due to my fiesta Sunday but I didnt count that in when I figured Fathers Day to be my goal date.  So that probably wont happen afterall.  I’ll see what really does happen Thursday and if the goal cant be met as I thought, I’m not gonna be super disciplined this weekend.  Not that I plan on eating the entire pig or cow or whatever is on the grill but you know what I mean.  I wont be packing my own meal or turning down a cold one.  We will just have to see.  But let me state this is NOT a cop out or break from my diet.  Instead I will just enjoy the weekend for what it is.  I found out earlier this year if I put to much pressure on myself to be perfect or to be at a certain weight by a certain time (thats not reasonable) I will crack and binge.  None of that this time.  I am finally losing again and getting too close to goal to OCD myself to death with an unreasonable goal.  So anyway, right now I’m just waiting on Thursday and will take it from there!

I know its still a few months (and many scorching days) away but I am already looking forward to Fall!  I think its the pumpkin talk doing it to me.  Its my favorite season and this year I know I will be at my goal weight when we take pictures at Thanksgiving.  Summer will be long and hot but there is always a reward at the end. 

Ok, I am doing it again…talking thru my fingers about mindless stuff!  I’m gonna get off here and go cook supper.  Believe it or not blogging about being tired has made me feel better.  Maybe I just needed some sun and a little bit to rest.  I think I feel a itch coming on and it needs to be scratched by some sweating! LOL!! Come on and join me!!