skinnychris

I came in today and checked in but I waited until after supper to blog.  Before I did I was a grizzly bear.  I guess now I’m just a bear cub in a bad mood.  And now looking over my blog this is turning into a 18th century novel and more of a way for me to vent than for you to have to read.  Please feel free to keep reading but if you fall asleep and wake up in a puddle of your own drool at 3 in the morning with a crick in your neck its not like I didnt warn ya!

I havent been in a bad mood all day but somehow it snuck up on me.  I think it all started when I realized today is my 5 year anniversary at my job.  Let me start by saying I sure didnt think I would be there now when I started 5 years ago.  Not that I dont like my job, for the most part I do.  But I feel very invisible there.  Yes, I choose not to get involved with alot of the stuff that goes on there…socializing, politics, etc. but when it comes to my job I just feel like since I dont make a stink I just get looked over.  Never do I get an atta-aboy or a nod.  Not that I am a glory hound but I just feel like I show up at work, work and go home.  I was thinking today as I was leaving that if I have a problem I really have no one to go to.  No one I feel like I could trust.  My old boss left last year after being there for over 10 years and she would go to bat for me.  I cant say that about anyone there now.  In fact the person who replaced her barely speaks to me and never stops by just to say hi or to see if I need to talk about anything.  I am just really down about the whole thing.  Plus I am going no where there because there is no where to go unless I go and get a law degree!  Of course I am thankful (I really am) to have my job and I need to just shut up and suck it up because so many are without one right now. I dont know, its just something on my mind and its bothering me.  I just dont want to be sitting here feeling the same way in another 5 years. 

And diet wise, well I am doing ok but I guess I’m just not into it today.  I keep a personal journal with me at all times to jot things down in, thoughts, ideas or something I come across.  And sometimes I just write like I do here.  And today I told myself I really needed to either shit or get off the pot.  And its true.  I have been at or about this weight now since October of last year.  I checked back over my old WW’s weigh in logs.   That is 7 months I have been goofing off or not taking this serious.  I will lose some, I will gain some.  Be really good for a few weeks, a month maybe and then start slacking.  Granted I did gain alot when my grandfather passed in December and I have taken it off but 180 (plus or minus a few pounds) seems to be where I have settled.  While I have not hit goal (or lifetime) I seem to have the maintenance part down pat.  So to back to my shit or get off the pot analogy.  Do I want to keep at this?  Do I really want to see 169?  So if I do, if I really do I have GOT to, no MUST get on track, stay on track and stop playing around.  But if I dont, then can/will I be happy here and keep on maintaining? 

To be honest, if you have not figured it out by my constant yard sale-ing I am a cheap person!  I hate paying for anything that I can get for cheap!  LOL!!  So I am sick of paying WW’s to tell me I have either gained or lost when I feel like thats all that is happening.  I can do that at home for free.  I know the program inside and out, backward and forward, in my sleep, in my dreams.  I know I can do it on my own, I know I will never go back to my original weight.  I wont let myself gain more than a few pounds, EVER before taking them back off.  Again, I am good at the maintain.  I hate to quit because my leader depends on me and I do like my group.  But as it stands right now, if and this is a BIG if I lose 2 pounds a week it will be the week after the 4th of July before I hit goal.  Then I have 6 weeks of maintenance (to learn what I already know???!!).  So thats around 12 weeks from now.  At 41 bucks per 4 weeks that is another 123 dollars.

And I dont see me doing that.  I dont see my body letting go of 2 pounds a week even being on track 100% with exercise.  And I dont see me being good while on the float trip fathers day weekend or over the 4th holiday.  I dont mean that as a cop-out, I am being honest…thats all.

So again, that comes back to the shitting or getting off the pot.  I have to decide between now and next Thursday (I am paid up with WW’s thru then) whether to go at this with the same gusto I had last year or stop killing myself with the mind games and just take life as it is and probably end up staying at this weight. 

But…I can also take that money I will be saving at WW’s and spend it on the month to month at Curves.  And that I know I wont quit because I am missing it so much right now.  I think that is another issue, I have lost my groove.  Today at lunch I wanted to go work out so badly.  My body is missing it and my mind is missing it.  I sorta feel screwed over it because of the way they force you to pay.  Tom and I decided last night that I will not sign the contract and they will not draft us.  Just not gonna happen.

Maybe tomorrow something wonderful will happen at my meeting to shake me up and get me going again.  But I doubt it.  I just aint feeling the love right now.  As I have said many times before, no I am not giving up.  Not giving in.  Never, ever, NEVER!  I just need to re-think some things to see where I am going.  Where I WANT to go.

Right now I want to go take a long soak in a hot bathtub.